Dear Ah Beng,

Beng ah Beng, I also want to be an Ah Beng. Everyday sit kopi tiam, put leg on chair, smoke and drink. Some more always hang out in shopping centre, got char bor. Most important, no need to study. Can tell me which gang to join? If you tell me, I sure get all my kakis to join.

Recruit

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Dear Recruit,

Nao hiah! You think be Ah Beng so easy, ah? Must study one, you know! Got a lot of rules. You think you can anyhow go Queensway and get tattoo, ah? Wait you get the wrong tattoo, and some other gang see you, sure kena hoot upside down! And what, you think so easy grow long last fingernail? Got regulation one, leh! We use it to dig ear... if too long or sharp, can burst your eardrum! And what, you think we just KLKK around the shopping centre cho boh lan and sian char bor? You think char bor attracted to Ah Bengs, ah? Acherly, they are our accomplices, and we are all there to shoplift or kuah chui (keep a lookout)! You think be Ah Beng is hobby, is it? It's a profession! My gang is earning so much revenue, I heard Singapore Technologies also wants to form a GLG (government-linked gang) to come into the market. So join a gang only if you're serious. In fact, join a gang only if your studies are damn tok kong. We do'wan any old samseng nowsaday, leh! You just want to relac one corner in a kopi tiam, then be a kopi kiah. So once you wake up your idea, you can come down to No. 6969 Geylang Lorong 69 for an interview with us at the Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society. Bring your 'O' Level cert.

Ah Beng